You finish your first or tenth EMDR therapy session feeling rested after a very calming visualization, breathing or meditation practice. You can’t wait to try some of these more at home. You quietly chastise yourself for neglecting your meditation apps.
You go home later that day after making dinner, taking your dog out, and getting ready for work the next day. You snuggle into bed and start the calming exercise. After a few minutes, you check your watch. Hmm...how long has it been? You think, “I should be calm and grounded by now!” You wait a couple more minutes, but not much happens. What happened to that great feeling you had?
Rest assured, this is very common. Breathing exercises and guided visualizations often feel significantly easier during a session because you have your therapist’s guidance and are in a quiet environment away from your usual surroundings.
So, you think, “What now? How do I duplicate this outside the therapy room?”
Hi, I’m Laurie Pels-Roulier, a Certified EMDR Therapist in CT. I help my clients answer this question all the time.
You can’t calm down your brain with normal relaxation exercises.
Remember, this may be the exact reason you decided to do EMDR therapy. Change in your nervous system takes time. Your brain and nervous system have made adaptive changes for survival. Therefore, an inability to just “be calm” is not a personal failure. Your sympathetic nervous system (your fight or flight response) may be easily activated and thus it may take longer to quiet down.
If you are in EMDR therapy, the good news is the work you are doing is already making changes. However, this may not immediately show up when you are in a quiet room by yourself. Change takes time. This is a great time to show yourself a little patience and compassion.
What do I do in the meantime while I am waiting for my brain to heal?
The important thing to remember about this is that everybody’s brain is different and may have different needs. These are just some ideas and potential suggestions. Do what works for you and your unique brain.
Mindfulness is a great option.
When we talk about relaxation, my clients rarely, if ever, mention mindfulness. Maybe it seems just too easy, or it isn’t in our recent awareness. However, mindfulness is a great option for people who don’t love traditional breathing exercises.
What is it? Mindfulness means really being present with an experience. This may mean simply bringing your awareness to one of your five senses. You can practice this with a sound, a taste, a physical sensation, a scent or a visual image. My clients often like to do this when they are outside. Even a simple walk outside can bring you in touch with nature: trees, beautiful autumn leaves, flowers, birds, or cloud formations in addition to a variety of nature sounds. However, you can also practice this anywhere you are.
Mindfulness involves really immersing yourself in observation without judgment. This may only be a few minutes or longer. You can also do this anywhere. You can practice mindfulness while walking, jogging, doing chores, etc. You don’t need a special designated time to do it and so it can be easily accessible for busy people.
One practice is to notice three things you can see: perhaps the color of a wall, light near a window, or the shape of a nearby object. Then listen for a sound. You do not have to search for anything special.
When your attention drifts, return to one thing around you. This is an invitation to practice noticing, not a test of concentration. You can finish after a few moments and check whether the exercise felt comfortable.
You can also give a little more attention to something you already do.
While drinking coffee or tea, notice the temperature of the cup and the taste of a sip. While walking somewhere safe, notice your surroundings and the movement of your feet. While washing your hands, feel the water and notice its temperature.
Pick one activity rather than trying to be mindful all day. A familiar moment can make it easier to remember to pause. You can return to your usual pace whenever you need to.
A wandering mind is part of practice.
You may spend much of a meditation or mindfulness practice thinking about your day. Noticing that is itself a moment of awareness. Instead of measuring success by how quiet your mind becomes, consider whether you are learning to recognize distraction with a little less frustration.
Feeling relaxed can be welcome, but it does not need to be the goal of every practice. You may notice boredom or restlessness. You can respond by shortening the practice, moving, or choosing a different activity.
Other options?
Sometimes traditional mindfulness exercises don’t feel like a great fit for my clients. So, what else can work?
Sometimes focusing on something that requires all of your concentration is a great option for a busy mind. This works when the thing occupying your mind is not alarming or activating your nervous system. Quiet activities that require concentration but are not anxiety provoking. Great options are jigsaw puzzles, crosswords or other word games, reading a book writing or listening to an audio book. Some of my clients like doing manual tasks such as household projects, woodworking, outdoor chores, etc.… The important thing to notice is how you feel afterwards. Are your thoughts slower, quieter? Do you feel less restless? Success!
If you are receiving EMDR therapy, talk to your therapist about what has been working and what hasn’t. Together, you can develop a plan to help you feel grounded in between sessions.
For more on the treatment process, read EMDR Therapy in CT What to Expect Before During and After A Complete Guide. You can also explore Self Care After an EMDR Session for ways to make room for your needs between appointments.
Start with one manageable moment. Notice something around you, return your attention gently, and let the experience guide what you try next.
Learn more at stresslessbeyou.com
Sources and further reading
2. Bremner, J. D. (2006). Traumatic stress: effects on the brain. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(4), 445–461. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2006.8.4/jbremnerhttps://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3181836/
Laurie Pels-Roulier, LMFT, LPC
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Counselor, EMDR Certified Therapist
Laurie helps professionals struggling with trauma, anxiety, and depression get unstuck from negative thought loops and come back to their bodies.
She specializes in EMDR therapy and somatic therapy, helping clients feel more present and connected to themselves. Learn more about Laurie.
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